Every hockey season, my kids would receive a brand new pair of hockey socks from their association. This annual offering generally takes place when game jerseys are distributed for the season, which generally follows the passionate deliberations over who is wearing what number. Wow. A brand new pair of hockey socks and your favourite jersey number; what could be better?

I’m not a hockey player but I pretend to know a lot about hockey socks by virtue of the fact that I watch hockey on TV, and I am a hockey mom (which is probably way more relevant than the first point). The uninitiated hockey mom might think that the old hockey socks get chucked the minute new ones are on the scene. 

I am not an initiated hockey mom. This is not at all what happens.

The new socks are dubbed ‘game socks’ and the old socks are relegated to ‘practice socks’ and the ones before that are further demoted to ‘outdoor rink socks,’ if they’ve made it that far without falling apart. And by falling apart I do mean entirely in shreds but apparently there is nothing wrong with wearing a pair of hockey socks that are holier (er hole-ier) than a slice of Swiss cheese as long as there is hockey tape! These hockey socks think they’re like the Terminator: they think can withstand machine gunfire, crash through walls without missing a step, survive explosions without dying, and survive on their own for about 120 years. Oh yes, they’ll be back alright.

You should know too that the honeymoon is over after the first season. Oh sure, hockey socks might stick together for the first year, but then they mix and match like they’re Hollywood starlets. There is nothing more promiscuous than a pair of hockey socks (except perhaps a pair of hockey laces). Like that time I found a couple of my neighbour’s kid’s mismatched hockey socks in my own kid’s hockey bag? It’s an awful lot for a humble hockey mom to deal with – and more hockey laundry.

Even if they’ve survived their 120 years, these hockey socks are not really and most sincerely ‘dead’. There’s the afterlife of hockey socks invented by my hallucinating arch nemeses on Pinterest. There are hockey moms out there who give new life to old hockey socks by refashioning them into adorable hockey sock mittens, hats, and stuffed animals. When I look at the state of my kids’ hockey socks, I just roll my eyes. Refurbishing their hockey socks into something as charming as a throw pillow is about as realistic as the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. And seriously, who wants to wear or cuddle up with something that once sat at the bottom of a hockey bag for eight months (or 120 years)?! Ew.

Nowadays you see more and more hockey socks that are nylon and considerably more durable than their knitted ancestors. They’re practically the T-850 of hockey socks! They don’t make near as enchanting a hockey blanket in their retirement, however.

So as we near the end of the minor hockey season, I highly recommend you don’t throw away any of the old hockey socks. If they’re not needed elsewhere on some rink, they might serve well as a hostess gift at a hockey party (if you’re so inclined, you Pinterest puppy, you) but I beg you – please keep them out of my kids’ hockey bags!

Three cheers for hockey socks – may they rest in peace or be forever be resurrected!